I’m feeling very alien in myself right now… in a good way I guess.
Today I feel huge and rather disgusted in my body shape and size. Someone filmed part of my dance class I was teaching this evening and looking back at it I squirmed in discomfort… why do I look so fat!?
But I wanted to share with you exactly why I feel alien.
Usually when I feel like the above, I punish myself. Restrict fluids, skip meals, compulsive over-exercise, diet pills, laxatives and all sorts of methods of madness.
But I came home and made myself have something for tea, albeit smaller than usual. I proceeded into the shower with face mask in hand and enjoyed the longest shower I’ve had in recent weeks due to my hectic life.
And then, into the kitchen I went to prepare my lunch for tomorrow! (I NEVER bother!)
Just a few weeks ago, all these ‘nice-to-myself things’ were banned when I wasn’t happy with something about myself.
Saveria’s been keeping me on track through email support for the last few weeks and it certainly wasn’t easy… I’ve wanted to give up how many times!? But Saveria is the most persuasive person I have ever met in my life! She has an answer to every excuse you come up with… she knows all the tricks! Haha!
At the weekend, I felt an energy shift to my mental state and it felt so incredibly bizarre, and on reflection of tonight’s actions and ability to feel how I do but still be able to be kinder to myself, has actually left me a little shell-shocked!
If anyone finds Jessie, tell her to come back! Who even am I any more!? Haha!
Wanted to share this on here just to say: I never believed I’d get to a point of being able to take care of myself or be kind to myself through the sheer amount of self-hate I experience daily, but things are changing and happening and I now realise maybe there is a life beyond all this self-focused body, success, looks obsession we all endure daily! It is possible even for me, a professional dancer with an industry pressure who’s been plagued with an eating disorder for the best part of her life.
There are ways of dealing with emotional, sexual, physical abuse and trauma without using food to suppress yourself.
This week, I’m riding it out solo… my first week trial without the email support and daily set challenges, and to my surprise I’m actually doing okay!
PS: see Jessie’s other testimonial here.